The Big Decision

How long should I wait to fall in love? With something so uncertain and unpredictable, it could literally happen tomorrow or (gulp!) never. At least there's a time frame for the question of how long I should wait to have a child; at some point I won’t be fertile anymore. So, I’m left with the choice that is the inspiration for numerous self-help books, “Do I want to go without or go it alone?”

There is so much introspection and planning that goes into choosing to have a child on your own. First, there’s the grieving process of giving up the Prince-Charming-with-two-kids-and-an-SUV fairytale.
--Denial comes first. “If I just give eHarmony one more try, if I just wait another year, if I finally agree to go out with my co-worker’s friend, if I loosen up on my standards just a bit, I’ll surely find someone right for me.”
--Then comes the anger. “Men suck. I’ll never find ‘The One’.”
--Then comes acceptance. “I have a lifetime to find the right one. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my life.”
--Finally action. “If I want a baby, I better take matters into my own hands.”

This process took me 5 years. I think one of the biggest thrusts to help me move on and move forward is the approaching 3-Oh!; I’ll be 29 in 2 weeks. As a scientist I’m acutely aware of the risks of chromosomal birth defects after the age of 31 and the fertility issues that can arise after 35. On top of that, I’ve finished grad school and started my career, and I’m pretty self-sufficient. So, with careful thought about the details like choosing an unknown donor instead of adoption, financial planning, day care, and other logistics, I’m ready to take action. It’s still scary, though. “What if I’m infertile or have a problem during pregnancy? What if I can’t find an understanding gynecologist? What if I lose my job someday and have to struggle without the help of a spouse?” For some, the social ramifications are also concerning. Fortunately, my family is supportive of me, and my friends are accepting. As for any naysayers, I really couldn’t care less; it’s my decision. I do wonder how being a “Single Mother By Choice” might affect my future chances for a relationship with a man. However, that concern does not override my concern for having a child now, in my fertile years. Again, I could wait for Prince Charming forever or I could have a baby now. I’ve chosen the latter.

So, here I go! I need to schedule a gynecologist’s appointment and make my intentions known. That way I can get my health assessed and start the paperwork necessary to purchase sperm. I can ask questions and voice my concerns, like how to find a labor coach and other resources. I can find out the best options for me in terms of choosing the donor and insemination method. There are a lot of big decisions ahead; inevitable ups and downs. I’m feeling confident and hopeful now, though.